misunderstood

I think every teen feels misunderstood at a given point in their lives. I could go as far as to say that every person has felt misunderstood at least once in their lives. Yes, I anyhow whack. How you know. Which is totally not the point. This post is dedicated to my parents, friends and any other persons who know me, judge me, compare themselves to me, love me and hate me. I feel as if I should at least take a pot shot at correcting and clarifying or denying gossip and rumours surrounding my supervision-less lifestyle. My mom once said to me, a couple or more days ago that only "insecure people are defensive". I`m sure that`s partially true because sometimes, people deny things strongly in the hopes of throwing people off their true intentions. Still. Other people defend themselves hotly against anything and everything for the simple reason that they are passionate people. I`m an Aquarius. I`m nothing if not high-strung and emotional. Correction: I fluctuate madly between supreme paranoia sensitivity and total uncareness. I do not apologise in advance if I offend anyone within the duration of this post because you came here of your own accord. I write it here, publicly, because I do not intend on offending your sensibilities or insulting you by bringing up matters on which you have already decided what to believe. I write this to serve myself. You can all think what you want of me. As long as I know what I`ve done and am doing, I`ll always be just happy enough to keep living.

Most pressing; I am not stupid. Contrary to my age and gender, I am really quite wise. In fact, I`m conceited and confident enough to say that I`m wise beyond my years. I`m smarter than a lot of people I know. I`m not talking paper qualifications here. I`m talking smart in every way that really counts. Sure it`s a materialistic world out there, a consumerist society, yadda yadda. Only the best survive blah blah. But does it really matter that you`re a triple degree graduate with an abundance of career opportunities, enough assets to make your own mother sue you for cash and turn your friends green? I don`t think it matters at all if you can never stop trying to top yourself or some imaginary competitor. None of these material things matter at all if you`re forever furrowing your brow in private, worrying about your next conquest, next goal, next obstacle. I realise that my parents wish their children all the best in life - Wealth, happiness, health, a flawless reputation. Any good parent would. I too would like those things for myself. But. On my own terms. I know it`s selfish. I sometimes wish I were less of a self-centered bitch and more of a self-sacrificial daughter. Like most people, I work towards building a good life for myself, one where I am satisfied. A life that I can feel grateful for having. I don`t want to work like a dog and enjoy it when I look back on my life. I am working towards a life I can be proud of throughout every breath.

I do not want to slog it out every day of my life and never be content with what I`ve got. I realise the importance of ambition.. *Pause* I`m sorry if this disappoints you, as I`m certain it does at some level. I`m sorry if you all think it`s complacency on my part but I truly believe that people are getting much too hard to please. It`s not that I would settle for less than I deserve. I just feel that if I had the crazy amount of ambition that some of my friends possess, if I had that insatiable lust for success like some people, I would be wasting my God-given life. It isn`t that I don`t give a shit about my family name, reputation and what people think of me. I do care. It`s just that I don`t see why I should live my life for others to gaze upon and nod in approval. Why should I suffer through a life where I do everything right and scandal-free when I`m just going to end up dead, just like every other one of God`s creatures? None of these people`s judgements of me will matter when I have passed on. That is the reason why i hate to do things that ppl ask me to do.

God`s is the only opinion that will carry any weight.

Does it sound like I`m all, God and me are all that count? Well, you`re not getting my intended meaning. I care about what my loved ones think of me and I care about how my being makes them look and how it makes them feel. If you`re ashamed of me, I`m ashamed of me. Hey,listen i'm 'westernised'.(the way i dress and the way i speak)..yada yada.i lost my manners and all.i had to speak whad i think.do i?i do haf my rights do i??if i speak whad i think,that's called rude??does dat??(if it does whad the bloody heck is tt??)

I can never make everyone happy. No matter how hard I try and how perfectly I do things, there will always be someone out there that will fault me for something I probably consider nonsense. You know, I`ve ranted on for some time now and I`ve so far only covered one point and even that, partially. Let me just say that I am not stupid. What I do now, I do for good reason. "Good" is a subjective word so here goes my explaination.

Right. I`ve spent nearly two hours typing up one point out of several I had originally intended to post. I was interrupted for only about ten minutes by a phonecall from Gwen. That still makes an hour and fifty minutes of finger to keyboard. .