i miss myself

People don't prefer rain to rays, crying to laughing, and analyzing to "enjoying the moment" without a reason. We try to attain perfection in life, but we secretly indulge in chaos because smooth sails and beds of roses scare us at times. Imperfection becomes soothing. Deep down inside, something of our past makes us believe that we don't deserve to be happy. Struggles make us feel more human somehow.We struggle and hope that there are someone to catch when we fall.We do that and want to land on a comfy sofa and sink in deep seeking asylum.Sometimes if you constantly like to identify yourself with darker thoughts, you will realise that you are unwilling to hear the truth because it tears at the core of who you think you are. It's not easy to leave a comfort zone and embrace different, to be real and spontaneous and to do what's right at the same time, but i'm giving it my best shot, despite myself. I confess that i'm really scared of changes sometimes, even if i know it's for the better. Self-denial. I wish the vending machines sell bottled courage. That would be 'more setbacks' per dollars, thankyouverymuch.

Yes setbacks makes us learn.
But it has come to not only a dissapointing state but a heartbreaking one
When you just feel that you've learn enough through mistake that you wish so bad that
life would be less callous on you.

It's like you've been pushed again and again on the ground knowing that's your limit because you're just human.
And then life kicks you up and tell you to get going no matter what state you're in.
It's sad.
Very sad.